The gods of the ancient Greeks and Romans were human, loved, hated and had a lot of sex. And the Egyptians? They were already completely forgetting the limits of decency. But only for a good cause!
The Egyptians, as we wrote in the articles on prostitution and erotic curses, had a casual approach to sex. No wonder that their religious texts also featured almost pornographic descriptions of various kinds of love.
But let's not be fooled! The Greek and Roman gods were loathsome. Meanwhile, their Egyptian cousins considered themselves created for higher purposes. They performed acts of love not for pleasure, but for purely utilitarian purposes, in order to create, beget or humiliate an adversary. Here are some examples.
Divine masturbation as the beginning of history
Herodotus, describing Egypt in the fifth century B.C.E., named one of the cities Heliopolis. This name means "city of the sun". It was there, around 3000 B.C. the priests developed one of the cosmogonies that functioned in Egypt - attempts to explain the origin of the world.
According to her, Atum - the god identified with the sun - was to emerge from Nu - nothingness. Being a perfect being himself, he began creating deities. Today we know two versions of the "act of creation": He took his erected member with his hand and delighted him - this is how the twins Shu and Tefnut were born.
According to the second version of Shu, the god of wind was to be chastised, and Tefnut, goddess of moisture , spit out by their parent, who was previously served as a spouse .
Isis nursing a son conceived with a zombie husband.
Whichever version we stick to, it turns out that the first of the gods included in the Heliopolitan Nine (Egypt's nine most important deities) were conceived in the act of masturbation . Cute. All the rest of the gods were conceived rather classically. I mean quite classic. Shu and Tefnut were siblings, but since there was no one else at hand, they had to father Geb and Nut themselves. These, in turn, gave rise to Osiris, his wife Isis, Seth, and his wife Nephrida.
Interestingly, the myths explaining the creation of the world rarely mention the creation of man. We find it only in the myth about Khnum, which was probably created later. This ram-god was supposed to mold people on a potter's wheel, make their genitals fit and well placed , and learn how to reproduce.
Fake dick and zombie-sex
The brothers Set and Osiris had long argued over power. As a result of an unresolved dispute, Set murdered his brother and scattered his pieces around the world. The devastated wife of Osiris, Isis began searching for her husband's pieces in order to put him together and, if possible, try to conceive with him someone who would be able to avenge his father's harm. So she collected fragments of Osiris, but without the essential part for the act of procreation itself.
For the goddess with magical powers, however, it was no obstacle. The missing piece of body she created herself and attached to her husband. Then she breathed life into him and conceived a son in the form of a kite or sparrowhawk. Why she did it in the form of birds and not humans is not known. We can only guess that thanks to this, the fruit of the bird's and zombie's frolics - Horus - is presented as a man with a falcon's head.
This is how Osiris left this world, became the lord of the land of the dead, and his son began the path to avenge his father. A way in which the divine seed was to play a large role which is obviously golden and… talkative.
Do you have a problem with someone? Anal rape will help!
When Horus grew up, he began a battle to regain his father's schema. Various judgments of the gods, duels and competitions were not effective. And these were quite bizarre competitions. In one of them, rivals in the form of hippos struggled to show who could last longer under water. The stalemate, however, continued and continued until Set finally decided to reach out for reconciliation and invited Horus to a feast. But it was supposed to be just a sly trick.
The free attitude of the Egyptians (and their gods) to sex is perfectly demonstrated by the so-called "Erotic Papyrus" from Turin.
When Horus got drunk, Set caught up with him and raped him. The semi-conscious falcon-god was so sober in his mind that he slipped his hand between his thighs, so that the divine seed of Set did not go inside the victim but into her divine hand. The rapist did not see it, which was crucial to the development of history.
Horus, as befits a raped god, ran to complain to his mother . Seeing the seed on his hand, whether she was disgusted or angry at the disgrace that befell her son, cut off his divine hand, threw it into the lake, and then created a new one. It was not the first for her - after all, she co-opted her husband with a penis. Moreover, Isis has developed a trick worthy of the goddess.
Egyptian god Horus, one of the heroes of the myth of the talking divine seed.
Using a fragrant ointment she caused her son to ejaculate, collected his semen and discreetly spread it over the lettuce - Set's favorite vegetable. Before going to the group of other gods, where he was going to tell about what he had done to Horus, he nibbled on lettuce smeared with seed.
At this point, it should be mentioned that for the Egyptian gods, the homosexual act was nothing wrong, as long as the act was done on someone and not allowed to be done on yourself. The latter option was considered highly disgraceful and unworthy.
So Set went among the other gods, where Horus was waiting. He told in detail how he brutally raped his victim. Horus, however, denied everything.
Moreover, he even stated that he raped Set! To this, Tot, one of the gods, decided to solve the matter once and for all and summoned the divine seed (yes, divine sperm, except that it is golden and the talking still responds to commands). The one belonging to Set did not emerge from Horus, but from the lake, where it was thrown with the god's severed hand.
Horus sperm came out of Set and formed a halo over his head, which was a clear proof that none other than Set was disgraced.
Potion for potency - the path to divinity
A certain characteristic silhouette was often depicted on the walls of Egyptian temples. It depicted a man with one arm, one leg and an erection, wrapped in a white robe. It was Min, the god of fertility.
According to legend, Min was once an ordinary man, subject to King Ramses the Great. During one of the military expeditions, he was badly injured, he lost an arm and a leg, which prevented him from taking part in numerous other battles of the militant pharaoh.
Horus as a falcon in the collection of the British Museum (photo:Aleksandra Zaprutko-Janicka, made at the Louvre Museum).
Once, while sitting in a city from which all the men had left to go to war, he received news of work. The Egyptian army suffered a terrible defeat. Pharaoh and many of the soldiers were killed and the rest were taken prisoner. Our brave Min didn't panic. He made the ancient equivalent of Viagra out of garlic and onions and set about rebuilding the population.
His surprise was great when Ramses stood at the city walls with the victorious army and the information about the defeat turned out to be false. Perhaps bigger was the surprise of the soldiers and Pharaoh himself when they saw their wives (and not even the royal wife got away) in advanced pregnancy.
As might be expected, explaining the patriotic motives did little to Min. He was sentenced to death. After the execution of the sentence, however, his dedication to the state was appreciated and he began to be worshiped as the god of fertility.